MOCK TRIAL

[mostwantedfrog]

[Once the house has been thoroughly investigated, Constantine appears again, his pet penguin following close behind him.]

You have found all that you have needed? Excellent. Now, you must come with me to the basement--it is time for a trial.

[He hops away, and if you follow him into the basement, you'll notice that the boarded-up hole in the wall has been cleared away to reveal a winding tunnel. It's not very big--the humans might have to crawl in order to get in. Once you've gotten through the tunnel, you'll find yourself in a massive cave, filled with stalactites and stalagmites. Boober might recognize it. The rocks here have been haphazardly rearranged to resemble a circular trial room. Constantine himself jumps up onto a very high stack of rocks off to the side, staying out of harm's reach.]

Now, your job is to find whoever killed--eugh, what was her name--Carolina or something. The chicken. If you find out who did it and vote for them, the murderer will be destroyed, and you will all go free. But if you get it wrong, which I am fully expecting....

[Constantine chuckles to himself.]

I will destroy you all, and finally take my revenge on all you Mappets.

[He sits back a little, waiting for the discussion to start.]

[TRIAL START!]

Comments

2/2

[mabear]

[There's a voice from the tunnel, muttering and complaining. A familiar one, to most Muppets who've been to these reunions before.]

...kitchen's a mess, and absolutely no one around to clean it up! You'd think a whirlwind had gone through the whole house....

[The voice keeps getting closer, and eventually, an elderly-looking bear in sunglasses crawls out of the tunnel. And boy, is she pissed.]

AHA! There you are! What on earth have you done to my house?! There's blood everywhere in the kitchen, there's a headless chicken in the room, and you've absolutely ruined my Funko Pop collection! And now this? Whatever that...thing is. You boys better be ready to explain yourselves!

[She lowers her sunglasses to view the scene before her.]

[mostwantedfrog]

... Ms.... Fonzie! What a surprise! We were just... Playing!

[HAHA FUCK]

[mabear]

That's Miss Bear to you, Frog! Don't think you can't fool these old eyes with your silly makeup tricks--you've tried that three reunions in a row!

[She points an accusatory finger at the frog.]

I'm ashamed of you. I thought you were renting this house for a quiet week in the country! You ought to have some more respect for other peoples' property! Just look at what you've done to this Fraggle cave!

[When you get a mother ranting, you can't really stop her. Especially someone like Emily Bear.]

[mostwantedfrog]

I- It was all- I mean- it was Сашка's idea, not mine!

[He's very obviously backing away from her, hands up placatingly. It looks like any semblance of a threat he possessed has all gone up in smoke.]

[mabear]

[She removes her sunglasses, glaring Constantine down with as much venom as a bear puppet can muster.]

I don't care who did it--you're the one who rented this house, and you're the one who's going to be cleaning it up!

Except the person who ruined my Funko pop collection. They're going to have to painstakingly polish every one of my Funko pops until they shine!

[tobeginwith]

[This whole time Dickens has been looking back and forth between the two of them in silent, growing anger, but now...]

...Wait, what? That's it? Seriously? That's how you're going to end this?

[mabear]

What?

[She looks to Gonzo--sorry, Dickens.]

1/3

[tobeginwith]

With a deus ex machina, that's what! That's not a satisfying resolution to a conflict! What about the stakes? The emotional investment we had in seeing this through? Revealing the traitor? Escaping? A final conflict?

I mean, I know this week isn't canon or anything, but if you're going to just start pulling cheap tricks like that then I might as well... I might as well...

[...Hm.]

2/3

[tobeginwith]

[He just turns and looks right past the fuckin game again and straight at the audience. Mods included.]

I might as well just bring the dead folks back to life, too. One of those everybody lives endings. I mean, we already threw the rest of our stakes out the door, why bother pretending to have any emotional investment in the arcs and survival of these guys if we can just bring them back and go on adventures through Pokemon or something?

3/3

[themuppeteers]

[And just like that, Camilla pops into existence beside Dickens, clucking in startled confusion. Moments later, all the injuries on Jean's body just... fade away. Wilkins is startled enough by this to hop off of Jean's back and run away, clutching a can of Wilkins Coffee™ to his chest. The battered Funko Pop becomes pristine and new again, and the Fraggle caves' geometry changes back to the way it looked before Constantine's influence. If you look upstairs, everything should be perfectly in order and back to normal, as if nothing at all had happened this week!

Except the Chef is still permadead. That ain't changing.]

[mabear]

...

[She just got here and doesn't know what's going on.]

What?

[mostwantedfrog]

Well, this just ruined the whole point of my attempt to murder everyone.

[muppetlabs]

If you want something done right, you should do it yourself, Mr. Constantine.

Maybe third time's the charm.

[what is going on]

[mostwantedfrog]

I think the bear mother would rip my spine out of my body if I desecrate her home again.

[His voice takes on a particularly whiny quality.]

This wouldn't have happened if I had just had every Mappet here to destroy... Instead of just a dozen weirdos who don't like killing people!

[mabear]

You still have to polish my Funko pops. Just because you can wave your hand and have everything be fixed doesn't mean I won't remember this.

[mostwantedfrog]

This- this wasn't my waving hand. I did not do th-

...

Yes, I absolutely did this, all in penance for what I did, as apology to you, Ms Bear lady. I apologize deeply for thing I did, whatever it is.

[its_not_fair]

[what just..]

I don't understand... What's... What's happening right now?

[vicholas]

Maybe there's not a murderer, but rather, A MAGICIAN among us?

*Important note*

[vicholas]

[Also, he's still naked]

Re: *Important note*

[its_not_fair]

Put your clothes back on!

Re: *Important note*

[vicholas]

Oh right, I forgot!

Ah, but the room temperature is so nice right now! Why bother?

[its_not_fair]

Because most of us don't want to see you naked.

[vicholas]

I never asked you for you to look at me, OK! I'm just minding my business here.

why must lew suffer

[vicholas]

...

[shslmuppet]

[clapping can be heard coming from the vents]